What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 00:28
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What did i know ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ive learnt so much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Comes on , in middle age.
Put me off passion for life!!
How Can I get a taxi company to outsource their Dispatch services to me?
I waited trembling.
When she asked me how she looked .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She wouldn,t have been !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I never cut or harmed myself..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But, we were locked up after school.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do so many 18 to 29-year-old men struggle in dating?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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This is soul school!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Does Donald Trump have low self-esteem?
She loved him until the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Who then, do I blame.?
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We all went to grammer schools
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I have no regrets .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I said to her
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was in good health!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were not on the streets..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was seconnd youngest,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And i lived it daily.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So, i spoilt her more .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it wasn’t much.
She married twice! .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was very sick at this time too.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I will be 64.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She found it foreign!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It was going to be , some day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im still living with it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i do to all so called friends.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.